rupamdar porer diker publication gulo jotota jotil (ami fossis 2 ba F3-r kotha bolchhi),prothomdiker gulo totota na,ontoto apato dristite tai mone hoi. though things are extracted from his life only,tao itihas na ghete ba research na koreo gaan follow-up korte serokom osubidhe hoi na.
amar kachhe "tomar chokher kalo chai" serokom jotil vabe aseni, sudhu prosno ektai chhilo, ke ei MANOSHI, jar CHOKHER KALOr jonye Rupamda erokom byakul. ebong consecuently sei MANOSHIr sathe rupamdar somporkto kotota chhilo (gaanta lekhar somoy), adou chhilo kina... durvagyokrome serokom direct soduttor paini, jetuku gaaner kothay ja mone hoechhe setai share kori.
ek ek kore line by line asha jak...
Aami Tomar Chokher Kalo Chai
Tai tomar dike takai
Tumi takaoni aamar dike
Tai dhushor bikel
Kalo rastao rong haraye dhushor dhoyay
upekkhar ba obohela poriskar, kintu se obohela oichchhik na oneichchhik seta bojhar temon kono rasta ekhane dekha jai na. orthat onurag ektorfa naki vanga premer byarthota seta thik poriskar na. rather, jevabe "chai" bola hoechhe, sekhane fire chawar kono indication to ekebarei pawa jai na.
ektu egie dekhi,
Kichhu shorir kotha bole jae
Kono gobhir raater isharaye
Aami ekla jege shojjaye ... shoroshojjaye
Mon ghumaye tomar kole haye
ekhaneo ekakitto, chahida poriskar kintu etao kono sritir udyeshye onurag prokash mone hoi na. ei dhoroner chinta-dhara borong ek torofa premei probol vabe ase, even it is possible when there is no one specific in your mind but you have a desire of love. sei premika-heen abstract prem thekeo ei vabna asha sombhob, tai ei stanza-tao "ek dirghokalin sthai premika" mot establish kore na. it may be directed to either situation. aro ektu egie gie jodi dekhi...
Aami tomar hather chowa chai
Aar aamar nirloggotai
Khoje shudhu tomar aboron ... Ene dao shihoron
Kori tomate mrittunesha
ekhane amar chokhe ekta ektorofa prem dhora dichche, je premika hoi rupamdar feelings somporke hoi ocheton or rupamda was rejected.
ekhane 2nd r 3rd line-e dekha jachche rupamdar feelings turned into sexual fantasy to some extend and which is pretty natural. but note the last part of 3rd line,"Ene dao shihoron", ekhane kothao ki harano shihoron fire pawa dekha jachche? purotai ekta unknown pleaser-er akankha... jodi fire pawar dabi thakto tahole hoito "Ene dao shihoron"-er bodole "firie dao shihoron" more suitable hoto. r ekhane jouboner uddam premiker,"tomate jeebon-tomate moron" jatio mentality-o bes poriskar.
tobe aro khuchie dakha jak...
Aami tomar bhalobasha chai
Tai tomay bhalobeshe jai
Bolo aamar emon chahidaye ki mon deowa jai
Jibon deowa jai
Hridoy deowa jaye
Shorir deowa jaye
ei stanzar protita word bolchhe ekjon premikar kotha, jar deho-mon-jeebon rupamda prochur cheyeo paini,pachchena.kintu sejonne kono akkhep, khov ba dukkho nei ja harano premer khetre swabhabik, ulte achhe sudhu na pawar byakulota,osthirota...
last kota line ki bolchhe?
Aami tomay, tomar dehoke
Biswas ar shondehote
Khuji hothath hothothkaritaye ... Chini na tomay
Anamika bole dakte pari ki tomay
mojar kotha holo,ei kota line amake aro driro vabe bole eta ekta na pawa valobasa,kono harano valobasa na.
rupamda na peye nijer chawar upor astha harie felechhe, now he is not sure whether it is love really or infatuation. nijer akul chawake mone korchhe hotokarita. premikar ignorance premke korechhe ochena, sobkichhu die chawa byartho howai valobasay neme esechhe a(n)dhar or jake bola ja ek "ochena"-r porda. rupamda ja vebe prem biliechhilo,tara byartho hoe fire rupamdar prem orofe premikakei ochena kore diechhe. "Anamika"... er duto mane hote pare, prothomoto amar ager explaination onujayee jake nijer premika hisebe kolpona kore esechhe sei jaiga take dite na paray se aj ochena,ogyatonama ek "ANAMIKA"; ditioto, rupamdar prem chhilo ekebarei blind prem, jemon kina kokhono hoi pothe,ghate,pujor vire kauke dekhe mon die feli bindumatro kichhu na jene...se rohosyomoyee hoyei theke jai sarajeebon,porichoyer ovabe tar naam moner khatai hoe jai ANAMIKA
The very first day one of Metallica special until it sleeps touched my ear, it didn’t took much time go deeper and deeper of my heart. The pain inside the song, the power surrounding the music made itself a very special Metallica number for me like many other.
Being an obnoxious romantic person I always tried finding romance in all my favorite number and this one is no exception. Frankly speaking if you want to see romance you can find it anywhere. So the way I interpreted song is it’s like a cursed screech of an all lost lover.
Later I noticed Metallica hardly write on this sort of romance. Then I started digging the song and found quite a few view points from different critics and listeners. I selected them, which are based on fact. Let’s start with one by one.
Now consider the most popular gimmick. This song was written on the memory of James mother, who died in cancer. The reason of the popularity of this view is this was told by James Hetfield himself, the main lyricist (along with Ulrich) of this song and most of Metallica numbers. Fact tells that James belong to a strict Christian Scientist family. His father, grandfather, mother all died in cancer. But in the faith that Good God will take care of their pain, disease they refused to take any medical treatment even in the verge of death. Very sad & touchy fact, but lets try to synchronize this fact with the lyrics. Take a look at first 3 stanzas,
Where do I take this pain of mine?
I run but it stays right by my side
So tear me open and pour me out
There's things inside that scream and shout
And the pain still hates me
So hold me until it sleeps
Just like the curse, just like the stray
You feed it once and now it stays
Now it stays
As we can see it perfectly goes with the above said fact. If you close your eyes you can imagine the picture a dying mother suffering from immense pain but not ready to take medical cures, and the little son doing nothing but staring at her. Probably you can picture the untold pain running through the vein of a boy of age 16.
But what happened to the other part of the lyrics?
So tear me open but beware
There's things inside without a care
And the dirt still stains me
So wash me until I'm clean
It grips you so hold me
It stains you so hold me
It hates you so hold me
It holds you so hold me
Until it sleeps
So tell me why you've chosen me
Don't want your grip, don't want your greed
Don't want it
I'll tear me open make you gone
No more can you hurt anyone
And the fear still shakes me
So hold me, until it sleeps
Can you find much correlation with dying mother and this part of lyrics? I couldn’t. Yes, one relation can be made that James is annoyed with good God and screaming in frustration, “Don't want your grip, don't want your greed” or “I'll tear me open make you gone” but from a religious person like James it’s not much likely.
Here comes the next well-known rationalization of ‘until it sleeps’.
Addiction, after and before pains of addiction, schizophrenic mental state… During the recording of the St. Anger album (2002–2003), Hetfield himself went into rehab to get rid of his alcohol addiction but this song was written long back. And another fact is in the early days of Metallica (before Kirk join Metallica), James had quite a big argument with that times guitarist Mustaine regarding Mustaine’s alcoholism. So rest of the Metallica, specially James and Lars decided to cover their path without Mustaine. And literally kicked of Mustaine from Metallica, even that was quoted by Mustaine in later days that he was pretty astonished that Metallica didn’t send him for rehab instead they kicked him off. So it doesn’t look that addiction and pain related addiction really put such a wide scar in James’s mind so that he can go and create until it sleeps. Yes, its true that each and every line of the song can be related with the theme of addiction and related pain, specially “I run but it stays right by my side” or “Just like the curse, just like the stray/ You feed it once and now it stays” or “So wash me until I'm clean”. But looking into the real life prospective it’s hard to find a real link between the song and Metallica.
Now if you go little deeper then its not really that tough to figure out a Metallica trend is to use popular children song or story in their song lyrics. Remember Enter Sandman and try to relate with Neverneverland (Peter Pan). Relate The House Jack Built with the nursery rhyme of the same title, Where the Wild Things Are with the story of the same name. Now take a look at the line "So tear me open, pour me out...” is it really tough to find a loose connection with "I'm A Little Teapot"??? Now if this is the correct way of thinking then it can be assume that it’s a scream of a person who missed his normal childhood due to harsh background. James’s father left her mother in early days; he belongs to a strict Christian family, his mother died in cancer without a dope of medicine… So, at least in my eyes it’s the most realistic rationalization of ‘until it sleeps’, but only before I came to know some maddening facts.
Piracy… dose not fit with the name of Metallica, right? Take a look at Asian-Italian-American artist Goff Macaraeg's video Garden of Eden seen on MTV Asia in 1996. Metallica saw Garden of Eden at MTV Asia studios in Singapore by a VJ friend, months before they got the ideas for Until It Sleeps and LOAD, trite image, concept and melody and almost everything. Even Macaraeg's name was written in Metallica video for Until It Sleeps. In this context Until It Sleeps refers to Metallica's notion that Macaraeg was questioning the divinity of Christ in his video. And really, what do the words “and the hate still shames me” have to do with cancer? Metallica never wrote anything about their family in any of Metallica number so there is no reason for an exception. As well as looking at the video, above all rationalization sound crap… neither family, nor abused child hood, nor addiction. As soon as the video of “until it sleeps” comes out, they were questioned and they had to tell something to media… so why not a touchy story of mothers cancer? And the funniest thing is that, during the inauguration of the video on MTV, When asked by the VJ what the video was about, Jason Newsted and James answered, "that's what we're wondering, what is it?" It's up for you to decide or who are you to decide." Did they forget James mother at that time??? Unfortunately that time internet was just spreading and being a beneficial and favorite darling of MTV, Metallica and until it sleep keep roaring its popularity without a stain.
The entire band was embarrassed at the 1996 MTV music video awards about their award winning video being stolen from another artist. In fact David Lee Roth, speaking at the awards spilled the beans on Metallica that.
Open your minds for this one because it’s deeper than your imagination. Macaraeg's video filmed in 1994 but conceptualized in 1992, was about The Da Vinci Code, a decade before Dan Brown published his book. This same subject matter is what Metallica learned after previewing Macaraeg's video first hand, frame by frame on a video editor based on subliminal words and images they saw in his video and could only be seen with a good tape machine copy, which they were provided by MTV Asia studios' VJ Danny McGill, a close friend of Kirk Hammett's. Hammett was in Singapore in March of 1996 to visit McGill and MTV Asia while Macaraeg's video was on rotation and in the vaults of that very same studio as it was the only MTV studio and first in Asia in the early to mid 90's. Since Metallica had writer's block and were shooting blanks for years before this, they were at a loss for a concept and a direction. Not until they were shown Macaraeg's Garden of Eden, did they make a connection. Their director Samuel Bayer is also known for stealing images and concepts from other artist's videos unknown to most music video fans. The two together and a bundle of money made Until It Sleeps, and they scrambled to do it in the months following March 1996, but not without first seeing Macaraeg's. Until this day Metallica will not admit this although judging by the way they acted on stage at the 1996 VMA's you can tell something was seriously wrong. Their "thank you" was surreptitious and they acted unnerved, guilty and weird. And in their MTV interview they readily admitted, they were "lying about the record."
Again end of a year, start of a year. Nothing more than, an end of a second and birth of another second. We all are literate (so called), we know it’s the nature of time do die n take a birth from its ashes, just like phoenix. Still why time left such unavoidable scars in our memory!
Some people, rather friends of mine are damm annoyed with me for my negativity, but you know, people like me are called as "Black cap people" in our industry. I don’t know how they expect to make out something productive from people like me also.
Well, I'm drifting from the topic as usual. Have you ever though before, whenever some special day (though I myself have doubt with this word "special"), why memories keep on attacking your poor mind, rather heart. It becomes so difficult to recall some sweet memories and forget the garbage once. Do we all have so little nice time in our entire past or we are so unfaithful to our life itself! Even I have noticed, after a tough try if I'm able to recall something "special" it hardly can reduce my pain, it always make me feel,” You don't have anymore those good moments with you". Why we always concern about our losses, our sweet past, that can't be back ever!!!! Trust me friends, I'm not asking this question to you, rather I'm the first one who suppose to answer my queries. In other way, I can say, in total census mind I'm raising my finger to you, so that other three fingers automatically rose towards me. Its 8:53pm, still I'm the reason of warmth of my chair at my office cube, most of the people left for the day. Some little sound of keyboard and my silent query hunting (though office dose not pay me for these). I really don't know whether I would be able to find answers, even I'm not sure whether I really want these answers or not.... But still I feel like, I'm in search of something....
Oh, forgot to mention one thing, its POILA BOISHAKH. Tomader sobaike janai SHUBHO NOBOBORSHO,sobar asha kori dinta khub valo ketechhe....(Wish you all Happy new year(Bengali),I hope you all had a nice time together)
It’s raining over the window,
And you are flowing through my heart
I’m addict, addict of you
Baby, I’m addict of you
It’s raining over the window,
And you are flowing through my heart
It seems my heart
Knocking at your door,
Can you feel the beet or,
Listen to the knock?
It seems my heart
Knocking at your door,
Can you feel the beet or,
Listen to the knock?
I’m still waiting
With my all,
To see the door as unlock
I ‘m gonna miss your feel,
I’m gonna miss your touch,
Why test are always so tough!
But oh my baby,
I’m burning
Beside your door
With my all,
To see the door as unlock
It’s raining over the window,
And you are flowing through my heart
It seems my heart
Knocking at your door,
Can you feel the beet or,
Listen to the knock?
Year 2007, I was undergoing through one of my n-number of break ups (ironically with same girl). Thing were complete blue. I guess most of the guys undergo through this period, but just like all other guys, I also felt that my case is most critical and was able to found each and every reason to broken down.
You know, that time I was pretty GOOD BOY kind of person, I mean no fagging, no boozing and no flirting kind of guy (though I was always nice with girls:-P, but that’s complete different story). Though if now a day someone takes a look at me, he won’t believe, but trust me I started drinking after I moved to my workplace.
Oh, my thoughts are getting scattered, come to the point. Things were getting terrible day by day. Sometime I become bit introvert, so it became tough for me to get rid of my inside grime. Friend tried to console me in and out but that helped me nothing but increasing my pain. One after other sleepless nights spend but without any use. As I said before I was never in any sort of addiction and in that scenario also I didn’t opted for that easiest option, though I don’t know why.
I never thought of writing anything before this, but at that moment writing could be my only way to express what I want, what I don’t, what I feel and what I don’t want to feel.
I picked my pen n diary, start maintaining diary and shouldn’t tell lie, it really worked. I really felt relaxed after long days. Things continued for few days; yes friends, days only, not even a month. Somehow I started feeling things are getting monotonous and the weirdest part was it was not able to make me relax anymore. I took a turn and gave a glance at my diary, oh my goodness; I had written almost same thing in every pages…
Again I back to jungle. After few days somehow I felt my hands wanted to write something, but I was not at all interested in rewriting the crap diary thing and I gave birth of my first poem and I don’t know why and how but I felt relax.
Till then I never tried to write any poem, whenever my hearts tends to cry, that pain gives birth of a new poem. I never consider me as a poet or not even a person who can produce a single line. The reason is that I can’t write anything, it happens. Each single word I have given a birth, they all my waste of my scar. I’m so selfish, I never wrote a single line for a third person, because I cant write and because I am not a poet and poems are nothing more than my sweat or piss.
Still I don’t know why my friends like my poems, may be they find it too simple to tally with life or whatever….
But trust me; I don’t want to write anything anymore, I don’t wanna be any great poet or anything. I can write only when I’m in immense pain. I don’t want to give birth of any more poems that cost my unseen blood.
I want to be any one, I want to be a X-Y-Z, I want to be someone who fights for his career because someone waiting for him in home, I want be someone who face every problems with a smile because he knows by night he will get a center in the warm cleavage of his honey, I want to be a mango-people…
For last 18 long years I am an atheist. I can hardly recall something happened to me 18 years back. But I don’t know why, I can still remember the story that made me lead to a conclusion that I should be an atheist, and that is at the age of 5 (only, if you think so).
Though it’s not a real big deal to be an atheist now a day, but as the maximum number of people over world are believer, you can understand in a religious country like India, u are bound to face n number of questions when you declare proudly from the age of 5, “YES, I’M AN ATHEIST”.
Going to flashback, it was a movie, some religious movie, unfortunately forgot the name. There was a cruel, brutal landlord and one devotee of MAA KAALI. Obviously that landlord was an atheist. Something happened for few hours; by the end that landlord was able to see and feel MAA KAALI by his own and became a devotee, as well as he got rid of all his bad habits too.
As soon as the movie ended, questions started striking my child mind. A big “WHY SHOULD I?” I thought neither I’m that devotee who is desperately searching to find the Almighty (rather I can say he was so sure that almighty is their, he was keen to meet him) nor I’m that landlord who wanted to prove GOD is not their by using his power. I just don’t care who the hell that GOD kind of thing is. If GOD is so keen about me and he feel insulted with my attitude he can come and meet me. Obviously we can share a cup of coffee together.
Lot of water flown through Ganga, I grown up, attacking me for my atheism amplified. I stared finding more reason why should I believe in GOD rather than why I should not. But in vein, I hardly got any answer. A very common weapon of believer is “Do you have any answer how the universe formed”; I have a very simple answer,” NO”. I think its ridicules, few years’ back we didn’t had answer why rain falls, that time easiest answer was available. It’s GOD, who makes rain fall. My point is quite simple; it’s true that we don’t have answer of all questions in had, but it cannot be taken for granted that all the answer of unknown truths are GOD.
OK, I’m not here to prove the extinction of almighty, just wanted to share a pair of eyes that I carry with me.
Some sprinkled dreams… broken love… frustrated blue thoughts… born of some hopeless poems…. 6 strings…. Old Lenovo laptop, about to die…. Shit n shared broadband…. 4 mobile, all r bullshits, who knows the model no!!! Adidas body sprays n Gillette shampoo…. Long hair, RBK bandana, full weird beard… Specs -4.5, lens, sun glass… Jeans…. Music… microphone… Altec Lansing 4.1…. scattered CD, DVD, socks, t-shirts…. Scrambled bed-sit… one bathroom-one room…. vibration of mobile, though u r looking for me…..
No…. customer care… some bullshits in Kanada, who knows n who cares…..
Failure, irritation… torrent… download… lots of unthinkable thoughts… some scrambled unwritten confession… your face…..
Again cry… your smell… heart beat beneath dopatta-kameej-bra…. “U r crazy”, listen long back, distance of eye n pillow is zero, some water softening the zero distance…. Know u r not there, but telling to whom? U or me?
Logic… atheist… neither Antichrist nor Christ… hate all these drama…. Hate lies n liar… treat all saints as jerks…
Cry…. Notepad, pen… poem… songs….. Friends…..Tattoo... Rock…. Software engineering… AS400… code… my office… magnetic swipe card…. Abusing… stubborn… appraisal… idly- dosa- bada- sambar….. Sharadindu Bandyopadhay…. Satyajit Ray…. Metallica…. Fossils… whiskey glass… Airtel…. Your last birth day gift…. Sunshine, rain n their love, incomplete even this time also…….
One violet Fly Emirates flew away… left some silence…. Some unspoken thoughts….. Little bit desire, for little bit love…………….
